I've done something very stupid

And I'm not sure what the end result will be. Most likely, it won't be in my favor. Unfortunately, it was how I honestly felt, and even though it was a dumb thing to say, I know that I will have to live with it. I am still bummed out, and even though I've tried to get past it, it's all I can think about. Talk about being haunted by things you've done in the past.

Just Chillin and Shit

I have finally figured out my dissertation topic. I still need to write the damn thing, as well as the proposal which then must be approved, but I think I may have a solid idea that will yield interesting and relatively significant results. Life has been really busy, but good so far this semester. I've been able to stick with my workout routine, I've been getting a bit of work done on the dissertation (not as much as I'd like, but I can feel the momentum building behind me and making it easier to keep moving forward on it), and even though I've been bummed about the weather keeping me off of the bike as much as possible, I've managed to make a few upgrades to my bikes so that when the weather allows I'll be much more comfortable.

On my Trek hybrid, I replaced the grip shifters with thumb shifters, and replaced the stock rubber grips with some Ergon CP-1's. Today was the first time I had a chance to ride it around with the new grips and shifters, and I was stoked. The bike is already reasonable comfortable, but this addition, plus the Brooks b17 saddle I added a few weeks back has this bike on it's way to becoming the most comfortable bike period. But more than anything, I can't wait to get on the Surly again when the snow quits ruining the trails for me. The singlespeed will be cool to ride to and from school, and the mountain bike will be fun to go ride on some trails with. I am super excited to be back out riding around again whenever I feel like it.

I got a new computer, which is good because I was unable to play high definition videos on my old one. I recently picked up a cheap HD digital camcorder and a Zoom H2 handheld audio recorder. I am hoping to video and audio record some live shows and then add the good audio to the video and share it online. I'll definitely link anything I get on here.

My neighbors have been super helpful and will watch my dog on Wednesday nights when I have classes all day, so that she isn't stuck in the house ALL day. They've also taken her over there and just let her hang out while I am gone if they are home, because they say that they kind of miss having a dog, and they say she is really well behaved.

Her birthday is coming up on the 28th, and I can't believe she is going to be 3 years old already. I remember when we first got her and now she is a full grown dog. She can still steal all the space on the bed though. So I guess some things never change.

I also started to dabble in electronic music. I guess because of the difficulties I've been having with finding others to play music with, this lets me do everything myself. It's not super great or anything, but it's definitely fun, and I'm picking it up quick.

The current state of the economy has got me a little worried about finding a job, and this certainly is something I can relate to. I have actually been thinking that if I can't find a job right off the bat, I may just move to Barcelona and try to get a job driving a bus there. I've always said that half-jokingly, but if I can't get a job there is really nothing stopping me from doing it.

2009

Well, I haven't had much to say since Thanksgiving, apparently. Since then, I finished a semester, made a trip back to California, came back to Lincoln, partied a bit as a part of the end of the year festivities, and leapt into a new year. I guess the long and short of it is basically that 2008 was a fucking bitch of a year. Will 2009 be any better? Perhaps, but perhaps not. I am too afraid of having another fucked up year that I want to try to avoid any possibility for disappointment, which has made me very cautious as the year starts.

What do I hope will happen this year? More than anything, I want to get my career back on course. To do that I need to get my dissertation proposal passed by summer, and my dissertation well underway by the end of next fall semester.

Secondly, I want to get myself back into shape. I made lots of progress last summer and fall, but I'm sure I've destroyed any progress over break. Either way, it is a good stress reliever, and also usually makes me feel good after a good workout.

My third thing will not happen for sure now, but I had wanted to ride the RAGBRAI this summer, but I've ended up being offered a summer teaching course during the part of summer when RAGBRAI is. This is a real bummer, but my finances seriously could not handle taking the time off, especially because that means NO teaching (no INCOME) over the summer.

I'm not 100% sure what is happening on the roommate search front. I've got a potential roommate lined up, but I will not actually believe it until I have a rent check in my hand. Hopefully I get one by the end of the month lined up, because if not I will be probably looking for a new place come March. This is unfortunate, as I really like this place, I think my neighbors are awesome, and Amelie is at home here.

Luckily I have Amelie to keep me sane. She has helped me out so much by being very well behaved and keeping me company when I come home each day.

It's already time to start another semester next monday (technically, it starts tomorrow, for me at least, so I will have go in and get things together and hopefully moving along to get me off to a rolling start this semester). The break always goes by too fast. Anyways, I am looking forward to having a location to ride my bike to tomorrow, and yes, even with the bitter cold, I still love that early AM bike ride to school.

Oh well, I guess I should go to bed.

Good luck to you in 2009.

Friends

I don't have very many friends, but the few I have are rad. I made my world famous vegan lasagna, and am taking it and leftover potato leek soup over to Tamra's house to have dinner with her and Lance. Most of my other friends are visiting family, I assume. Regardless, it is really nice to enjoy a good, homecooked meal with good friends every once in a while. Unfortunately, because of the size of the lasagna pan, I won't be riding my bike over to her place. Luckily for Amelie, that means she gets to come also. Dog Party, and friends. I'm stoked.

The Turkey Holocaust Approaches

Every fall I dread the holiday season. I spend a lot of time coming up with excuses to avoid participating in holiday events and gatherings. If I'm lucky, I can spend Thanksgiving at home, by myself, the way I like it. I don't really have anything against the holidays, per se, but they just aren't for me. I think of many, many awkward days spent with family, and it's just not for me. Some people might think I was antisocial, but this couldn't be farther from the truth. I like social settings, so long as I feel like I have some sort of power in them.

I've got the week (the rest of it anyways) off, and I don't want to have to do anything I don't want to. I planned on riding bikes today, but I just got sidetracked with other dumb distractions until I ran out of daylight. Tomorrow I will make up for it if possible. Let's hope the weather (namely the wind) cooperates.

Leaving the Past Where it Belongs

Lindsay and I were not compatible. It's not magic, or voodoo, or even science. We disagreed about some fundamental aspects of our relationship and of the directions in which we wanted to take our lives. Even though there were some parts of our relationship that I enjoyed, and will always miss, the things about me that she did not like can't be changed. She didn't think my sarcasm and wit were funny. This is an understandable concern, just so long as it is not confused for venom. She believes that I said horrible things to her, and that my non-interest in her choice of music, movies, entertainment, and friends was my fault. I did not expect her to be interested in my choices of these things.

I've not really ever written about how she once kissed some other guy (I think this is an appropriate time for me to mention that he is most likely a douchebag, because he is probably the polar opposite of myself, though I do not know who he is, nor do I care). We had not even been dating a year when this happened. We almost broke up, and for some reason I ended up having to convince her to stay with me. I am not sure if it was for the same reasons I wanted to stay with her when we broke up this time, or what, but in retrospect I should have bailed after that. I considered it to be cheating, although I know most people will have their own definition. It was cheating because it spoiled my trust for her. Even against my better judgement and logic, I had a hard time trusting her after that. This means that for almost 2 years after that, I was only partly trusting of her.

I think that I have written so little about this aspect of the relationship because it hurt me so bad. I didn't want anyone to see me feeling vulnerable, so I just didn't say anything to anyone. I didn't even tell my friends about it. Still haven't told anyone. After that happened, and we decided to stay together, I was always suspicious of her. It was not healthy, and it probably had a big effect on a lot of what happened in our relationship after that. When she would go out with friends, I imagined her cheating on me. When she would go see her family, I would imagine her cheating on me. Pretty much any time we weren't together I imagined her cheating on me. If you add to this suspicion, the fact that our sex life was practically non-existent from the time we moved in together, I put the two together, and subconsciously I pretty much thought that she didn't want to have sex with me because she was getting it somewhere else. I didn't let it dominate my life, and I mainly recall these feelings in retrospect, because at the time I didn't put these things together. I wasn't letting jealousy guide my life because it took until much later for me to relate these two things to each other.

It is good that she broke up with me. I wouldn't have been able to do it. Sex is important for me, and the lack of it caused this unending tension between us. I would become uncomfortable when someone made a joke about sex if we were together. Even if it was a joke on TV or in a movie. I felt like I was going to explode. She asked me a few days ago if I would have told her if I had cheated. I think she was really asking if I had cheated. I did not. I told her that I had not, and that I would not because I think that cheating is totally lame if you love someone. I would rather have broken up and then went to have sex with whoever it was. The situation did come up a few times, and Lindsay had even met some of these girls from time to time, but never once did I touch, kiss, or sleep with any of these girls, because I loved Lindsay.

It seems to me that based on Lindsay's interpretation of things, and the support of her friends and family, I was basically just mean to her. I honestly don't care what her friends and family thought about it, because my friends (not my family, because I try to keep these things to myself) have made comments to me about the way she acts about certain things that would paint a different picture completely. It is all about people's perceptions of what is going on. I had felt until recently that the breakup was my fault, that I had made some mistakes that I should not have, and that if I had changed myself, things would have worked out. When I thought about it, I realized that I had only been doing this because she is the one who pulled the breakup trigger. Had I done it, she would be in that position. It isn't like I didn't ever think we should break up. In fact, it was quite often in the back of my mind. I had discussed it with friends, and even though they all liked Lindsay, they agreed with my perception of the way our relationship appeared. By and large, people thought that she was mean to me. It wasn't like she would call me names, or anything, it was more like she would do all of the things that she says I did to her. She thought the things I did, and that my friends did that I thought were funny were stupid. She thought there was something wrong with us because of the choices we made for recreation.

But that is all in the past. I can learn from the past, with the hopes of not repeating it, but I will always be continually getting further and further from this relationship. Eventually, I will move, and the home that we once made together will be in the past as well. I will have Amelie for many more years, and she will always remind me of Lindsay, but I have a new relationship with my dog now. It is just us, now. Me and Amelie, the ultimate man-dog team (see the picture at the top of the post). I will always think of the cats, Rascal, Sissy, and Brutus, but they are all no longer a part of my life. They are a part of my past. There are even some people who I will now have a wierd relationship with in the future as a result of this breakup, though I am for the most part OK with this.

Everything I have learned, and every emotion I have felt as a result of meeting Lindsay, dating her, moving in together with her, the cheating, the depression, the lack of sex, the love, the confusion, the awkwardness, and the breakup, will only make me stronger. I will have to figure out how to deal with these feelings again the next time it happens, IF it happens (though I hope it does). I have no ill will, or any negative intentions for her. I hope that she sorts out her depression, gets her things together, is successful in her career, finds a special someone, gets married, and has lots of babies.

I, on the other hand will settle for what I think I have now. Some good friends, a hopeful future, the occasional random sexual encounter (sometimes more than occasional and not random), and my best friend, Amelie. I don't know when I will be ready to start dating anyone seriously, or if that will ever happen again. The sex is good for now, and it helps to keep me focused. This is the first time it's been like this for me. Everyone my age has all of these stories about their random sexual encounters and booty calls. I didn't until now. I had pretty much gone from one long and serious relationship to another, with a few little dates here and there in between.

My friends are always the foundation I need. Even when they do stupid things, like getting kicked out of bars and all kinds of nonsense, I like to think that they help to keep me sane. My current musical project, by the way, just finished recording our demo. Hopefully soon it will be out.



I've still been riding the bike unless there is rain/snow forcasted to actually fall that day, and even though it's cold as hell it is still fun. I also just got some new headlights for the bike that should make the cold, dark ride home a bit more bearable, especially on Mondays, the day where I am at school for almost 13 hours. They are bright as hell, see above.

For now, it's back to living life in the present, with a hopeful eye towards the future, and a helping hand from the past.

New Life and New Blog

Today is election day. It is finally here. Unfortunately I have so little faith left in the American democratic process that I don't believe the vote I am about to go cast is going to even matter. I also have no faith that this election will be over tonight. I think we are looking at another Bush/Gore debacle. There have been reports of Obama support signs being burned in peoples yards. A woman who refused to give halloween candy to children whose parents were not McCain supporters, and all of the countless voter fraud charges. Electronic voting machine tampering, media bullshit that amounts to another election where the dumbest Americans whims are pandered to, which drops the level of the entire discourse a few notches. But I am still going to vote. Just in case they decide to actually count every vote.

I think my life is settling down. Theres been so much happening over the last few months that it's taken a while. I am still looking for a roommate, as my temporary one has moved out. I've been struggling with my dissertation topic, and working on a project with some faculty which I will be presenting to the sociology department next week. I'm nervous, but I guess that's life. I honestly think my dog Amelie is the solid support I have needed, because even with the stress she can cause, she makes me happy. I don't know what I would be doing if she weren't with me, but I know that it would be very different from where I am now.

I've spent a lot of time with friends these past few weeks, most of that time in the form of some sort of dog party (where we all hang and the dogs all play). I've been dating, and having a lot of fun doing that. It's good to know what is out there. I'm still going to the gym 3 times a week, with the occasional day I miss because I'm busy with something else, and still riding my bike to and from work when the weather permits (which is most of the time besides that 2 week period of almost constant rain). Last weekend I rode with a couple people about halfway to Beatrice, NE and back. We would have gone farther, but the wind was coming at us from the south, and it was a serious challenge on many of the hills. Regardless, riding my bike is fun, and hard to beat with just about any other event.

Lindsay started counseling this week and will be seeing a psychiatrist as well. I'm so relieved that she is hopefully going to get the help she needs. I read her blog this morning and she is still convinced that I am a total asshole to her and all of that stuff. It's fine. I guess as long as she is getting help, I don't mind being the villain. I just hope that she isn't putting her energy into solving a problem that didn't exist. I honestly just want her to get things figured out, and to take care of them. It's hard watching someone you care about spiral downward and refuse to take your advice. I've seen it happen several times in my life and it's hard to watch every time. Luckily, she took the same advice I gave her from someone else. Sometimes that is what it takes I guess, but I honestly think that if she can get things sorted out and get back to being herself she can have a good life. I am in the same boat, although I think I've done all of the figuring out that I need to do (I think). I'll just keep myself satisfied with dating until I finish school and then I'll move away when I find a job. Hopefully I can find someone when I move away, though. Unfortunately for me, this pretty much means that I'll have to look for jobs in/near large metropolitan areas, where there will be a suitable population for dating. I guess I'm still afraid of being alone forever, but maybe that's how it will end up. There's really nothing I can do about that. Maybe Obamagirl (pictured above) will be available after the election.

I'm hoping to go to Paris over my spring break next year. I'm hoping to visit my ex-girlfriend Leanne, and to check out the city. Maybe she even has some hot French friends to hang out with. I haven't seen her in almost five years, and I do sort of miss her. We spent a lot of time together, went a lot of places, and had some good times. Things didn't work out, but I think maybe now that we've both swallowed our pride about the end of the relationship we could still be good friends. I hope my parents are generous this holiday season, so I can afford this trip.

On another note, I've started a second blog. I know I don't keep up with this one enough, but the other one is more humorous than this is. I'll soon get a URL to link this to, but for now, lanceandrileyfight.blogspot.com is the address. A little about that blog (taken from the blog):

Riley and Lance are two friends of mine. I've known them for a couple of years, but they've known each other forever. They fight like a married couple, about pretty much everything from who is eating more of the pizza they are sharing, to who is cleaning up around the house. I've attempted to document these fights as well as I can, but most of the time they get mad that I am recording it and I shut the recorder off.

Either way, I told them I was making this blog, and now that I have actually done it, we'll wait and see how they respond.

I love these guys to death, but most of their arguments are too funny not to share. Stay tuned for video and audio clips of their fights. Enjoy.

There will be lots more, as pretty much every time I see these guys they start arguing about something. Last night Lance told me that they are not fighting like a married couple, but like brothers. You can watch videos (which usually are just the camera pointing whereever and me videotaping because they get so mad about me recording it, the audio is priceless).

But as for me, I am going to vote. I guess I will just have to see what happens this time around.