Lindsay and I were not compatible. It's not magic, or voodoo, or even science. We disagreed about some fundamental aspects of our relationship and of the directions in which we wanted to take our lives. Even though there were some parts of our relationship that I enjoyed, and will always miss, the things about me that she did not like can't be changed. She didn't think my sarcasm and wit were funny. This is an understandable concern, just so long as it is not confused for venom. She believes that I said horrible things to her, and that my non-interest in her choice of music, movies, entertainment, and friends was my fault. I did not expect her to be interested in my choices of these things.I've not really ever written about how she once kissed some other guy (I think this is an appropriate time for me to mention that he is most likely a douchebag, because he is probably the polar opposite of myself, though I do not know who he is, nor do I care). We had not even been dating a year when this happened. We almost broke up, and for some reason I ended up having to convince her to stay with me. I am not sure if it was for the same reasons I wanted to stay with her when we broke up this time, or what, but in retrospect I should have bailed after that. I considered it to be cheating, although I know most people will have their own definition. It was cheating because it spoiled my trust for her. Even against my better judgement and logic, I had a hard time trusting her after that. This means that for almost 2 years after that, I was only partly trusting of her.
I think that I have written so little about this aspect of the relationship because it hurt me so bad. I didn't want anyone to see me feeling vulnerable, so I just didn't say anything to anyone. I didn't even tell my friends about it. Still haven't told anyone. After that happened, and we decided to stay together, I was always suspicious of her. It was not healthy, and it probably had a big effect on a lot of what happened in our relationship after that. When she would go out with friends, I imagined her cheating on me. When she would go see her family, I would imagine her cheating on me. Pretty much any time we weren't together I imagined her cheating on me. If you add to this suspicion, the fact that our sex life was practically non-existent from the time we moved in together, I put the two together, and subconsciously I pretty much thought that she didn't want to have sex with me because she was getting it somewhere else. I didn't let it dominate my life, and I mainly recall these feelings in retrospect, because at the time I didn't put these things together. I wasn't letting jealousy guide my life because it took until much later for me to relate these two things to each other.
It is good that she broke up with me. I wouldn't have been able to do it. Sex is important for me, and the lack of it caused this unending tension between us. I would become uncomfortable when someone made a joke about sex if we were together. Even if it was a joke on TV or in a movie. I felt like I was going to explode. She asked me a few days ago if I would have told her if I had cheated. I think she was really asking if I had cheated. I did not. I told her that I had not, and that I would not because I think that cheating is totally lame if you love someone. I would rather have broken up and then went to have sex with whoever it was. The situation did come up a few times, and Lindsay had even met some of these girls from time to time, but never once did I touch, kiss, or sleep with any of these girls, because I loved Lindsay.
It seems to me that based on Lindsay's interpretation of things, and the support of her friends and family, I was basically just mean to her. I honestly don't care what her friends and family thought about it, because my friends (not my family, because I try to keep these things to myself) have made comments to me about the way she acts about certain things that would paint a different picture completely. It is all about people's perceptions of what is going on. I had felt until recently that the breakup was my fault, that I had made some mistakes that I should not have, and that if I had changed myself, things would have worked out. When I thought about it, I realized that I had only been doing this because she is the one who pulled the breakup trigger. Had I done it, she would be in that position. It isn't like I didn't ever think we should break up. In fact, it was quite often in the back of my mind. I had discussed it with friends, and even though they all liked Lindsay, they agreed with my perception of the way our relationship appeared. By and large, people thought that she was mean to me. It wasn't like she would call me names, or anything, it was more like she would do all of the things that she says I did to her. She thought the things I did, and that my friends did that I thought were funny were stupid. She thought there was something wrong with us because of the choices we made for recreation.
But that is all in the past. I can learn from the past, with the hopes of not repeating it, but I will always be continually getting further and further from this relationship. Eventually, I will move, and the home that we once made together will be in the past as well. I will have Amelie for many more years, and she will always remind me of Lindsay, but I have a new relationship with my dog now. It is just us, now. Me and Amelie, the ultimate man-dog team (see the picture at the top of the post). I will always think of the cats, Rascal, Sissy, and Brutus, but they are all no longer a part of my life. They are a part of my past. There are even some people who I will now have a wierd relationship with in the future as a result of this breakup, though I am for the most part OK with this.
Everything I have learned, and every emotion I have felt as a result of meeting Lindsay, dating her, moving in together with her, the cheating, the depression, the lack of sex, the love, the confusion, the awkwardness, and the breakup, will only make me stronger. I will have to figure out how to deal with these feelings again the next time it happens, IF it happens (though I hope it does). I have no ill will, or any negative intentions for her. I hope that she sorts out her depression, gets her things together, is successful in her career, finds a special someone, gets married, and has lots of babies.
I, on the other hand will settle for what I think I have now. Some good friends, a hopeful future, the occasional random sexual encounter (sometimes more than occasional and not random), and my best friend, Amelie. I don't know when I will be ready to start dating anyone seriously, or if that will ever happen again. The sex is good for now, and it helps to keep me focused. This is the first time it's been like this for me. Everyone my age has all of these stories about their random sexual encounters and booty calls. I didn't until now. I had pretty much gone from one long and serious relationship to another, with a few little dates here and there in between.
My friends are always the foundation I need. Even when they do stupid things, like getting kicked out of bars and all kinds of nonsense, I like to think that they help to keep me sane. My current musical project, by the way, just finished recording our demo. Hopefully soon it will be out.
I've still been riding the bike unless there is rain/snow forcasted to actually fall that day, and even though it's cold as hell it is still fun. I also just got some new headlights for the bike that should make the cold, dark ride home a bit more bearable, especially on Mondays, the day where I am at school for almost 13 hours. They are bright as hell, see above.
For now, it's back to living life in the present, with a hopeful eye towards the future, and a helping hand from the past.
