My Other Ex.

I spoke with another ex-girlfriend last week over the phone. She lives in Paris now, and is working on her Masters degree through a school in Vermont. She seems happy, hopeful, and excited about life, which is a good thing and I am genuinely happy for her. As a part of our conversation, the breakup with Lindsay came up and all of the reasons why Lindsay and I did not work out. My other ex, Leanne, in her own way let me know that I was kind of lame as a boyfriend also. She had different reasons, of course, which were at least some consolation for me, as that means I didn't make the same mistakes twice I guess.

For some reason it hurt, it just felt like another nail in my coffin, and it didn't really help me cope with anything. Leanne was my high-school sweetheart, whom I dated until after I graduated from college. Our breakup was facilitated by my move to Lincoln to begin graduate school. At the time, this was hard for me. The hardest thing I had ever done, which says alot considering that I had just graduated from the University of California with a double major, in four years, while preparing for the GRE, and applying to grad school. All the while, I had been working full time to pay for school and my bills. I moved to Lincoln not knowing anyone, with a broken heart, and feeling literally like the loneliest man on the face of the earth. It took almost 2 years of regret to get over her.

In the mean time I had done some dating, and been for the most part disappointed with the girls I met. I also made a lot of friends during this period of time which helped to make living here bearable. And then I met Lindsay. When I met her I had so much hope. I fell for her hard, I was in love, and I told myself I would never go through what I had gone through with Leanne again. Well, we all know where this would go, and so I won't bother with it, but I think that by and large I just had to learn different things from both of them. Lindsay seems so upset and bummed out these days, but she says she is happy. I am not sure I believe her, but more than anything, I am sad that she is unhappy. I am just beginning to move on with my life. I've been spending a lot of time with my friends, and meeting lots of ladies, but Lindsay is always in the back of my mind.

It's probably unhealthy for that to be the case, but I can't fix it. And her depression also makes me worry, even though I try to be civil to her in our communications. I still feel like she wants to rub it in my face or something, even though I know that isn't the case. In any event, even though I've found some ladies to try to fill the gap left by past loves. Don't get me wrong, I am not a player or anything, I've just made some new "friends" and they are all decent people and are intelligent and funny. I know that it will take a long time for me to really get over Lindsay, long enough in fact, that I probably shouldn't bother trying to start any type of serious relationship while I am still in school and should, instead, wait until I find a job and move somewhere. Unfortunately, for me that seems so far off. I guess all I can do is try to maintain my friendships, play music, and try to get a god damned dissertation together. Some day, I will find a new someone special. Hopefully, by then I will have learned enough about my flaws from Leanne and Lindsay to make things work out better. Also, I hope her name does not start with an L. I am not superstitious, but I can recognize a pattern when I see one.