She stopped by Saturday to pick up a few odds and ends that she left laying around in her rush to get away from me. In fact, she forgot some other stuff and will stop by today to pick it up. I know that for her it is just a simple errand, but for me it is much more. Even though for at least the last six months of our relationship I felt unappreciated and essentially unloved (save for the trip to California), every day I still wake up feeling like I just had a nightmare in which we broke up and she moved out. For a split second the sinking feeling in my chest goes away, but it only takes two seconds before I realize once more that it is not a dream, but reality.
I think what makes it the hardest is that I still see her in everything I do. If I go to certain restaurants, drive past certain places, see certain people, or do certain things I am constantly reminded of her. But what is probably infinitely worse, is that I am reminded of how I should have done things, or what I should have said, that might have prevented the whole breakup in the first place.
Yesterday I was watching the football game with some friends. I thought about how when she wanted me to go to the games with her I didn't want to, and I made it out to be a huge chore to sit there and deal with huge crowds of those kinds of people. I'm sure this upset her, and when the videographers filming the game would show close-ups of fans in the stadium, I honestly felt that I would rather be sitting in the stands with her right at that moment, and that maybe if I had done that for the last two years things would have been better.
It's not just football, though. I took Amelie to the dog park yesterday afternoon (before the game, which was a mistake, particularly if you live near downtown on game day). I went to meet two friends from school who are dating each other. I got there about 15 minutes after them, and so they were already halfway through a lap around the park. So I waited for them near the front of the park and sat on one of the picnic benches. I think it hit me hardest at this point as I watched a pair of people in the distance walking around the park. When I go to the dog park, I am alone. I don't think I've ever really felt alone before. Most of the time I keep to myself, and I enjoy my solitude. I've camped and hiked by myself before, and even in really remote places I've never really felt alone the way I did yesterday at the dog park. It's like how when you see people doing something and you aren't invited to join them or something. Except in this case, it's much, much worse and isn't like you feel left out as much as you feel like no one even notices you. I am a rational man, and as such I recognize that this is not necessarily true, but it sure does feel like it, and it really scares me. What if I screwed up the best thing I had going for me? Am I going to end up alone? Where do I even begin with trying to find someone new? Should I wait until I find a job and I'm super busy to meet someone? Should I try to meet someone new here, and then hope she is willing to move away with me if the job ends up being on the moon? I don't know, and this also scares me, as I've decided that I don't like being alone.
On the way to the dog park, I drove over the 10th street viaduct, and drove past "Husker Nation," in all of their red and tailgating glory. I thought about how if this were last year or the year before I might have been with them, not because I am a big football fan, but because her brothers and dad are, and they are always there for home games. Then I got the sinking feeling again, when I realized how much I complained about having to go do that with her every home game (even though I didn't actually go to every home game tailgate party). I've made many mistakes in my life, but I think the mistakes I've made in our relationship are the ones that will haunt me for the rest of my life.
The mistakes I've made in the past might have made things uncomfortable or sad for a period of time, but this time I truly feel responsible for the way things turned out. But it's done, and I really can't afford to wallow about it anymore, this does not mean that I won't however, and it certainly does not mean that I will be over it any time soon. There is no way for me to escape it. I've recently started hanging out with friends who I haven't hung out with in a long time. I didn't replace my regular friends, but I've just added a new bunch to spend time with in hopes of filling the void in my life left by the end of what I was sure was going to be the last romantic relationship I would have in my life. Unfortunately this hasn't helped much, as now I just end up hanging out with a different group of people who have girlfriends and meaningful relationships with them. I see them doing the things I should have done with Lindsay and they don't complain doing them. So then I get to feel bad for how I treated her, and how my current situation is my own doing.
And my only alternative is the path of self-destruction that my other friends who are single, some also newly so, would inevitably lead me down. I don't want to deal with my feelings with drugs or alcohol. They don't really help, and in the end I just end up in the same place, with much less money in my bank account, and usually I get involved in arguments with my friends, or I have to mediate someone else's argument, or just essentially doing what I call babysitting, which I don't want to do.
Today I'm going to do Super Food Sunday again with the new bunch, although I don't know what I am going to cook. It was easier last time when we had a soup theme, because I knew I was bringing soup and I just had to figure out what kind. This week, there is no such theme, so I need to go to the kitchen and take stock, and maybe look through a cookbook or two to decide. And then I can go over to someones house and eat a good dinner, and watch a group that consists mainly of couples enjoy friends, food, and fun and I can make small talk with everyone, eat, and struggle to keep myself from crying, and then come home to do the crying.
Some people say that life sucks. I think I agree, although maybe I should blame love instead. Either way, I've never cried so much about anything in my life, and I've also never had to try to keep myself from crying so much over anything else. Luckily I'm getting pretty good at keeping it in, at least until I am in a better place to do so. For the ten or so of you who might read this, appreciate who you have if you don't already, and make sure that they know it. You don't want to end up like me, I guarantee that.
Got the Surly Nice Racks for the LHT and put them on yesterday. They're super sturdy and I'm sure I'll be able to carry lots of shit on them. The front rack is really wide, and I think it might even be wider than the one on the rear. The rear was a pretty easy install, but the front was a little difficult as it's just sort of awkward to maneuver the rack around the brake, fender, quick release, and fork to get it to fit where all the mounting points meet.
