First post in a long time

I haven't posted anything here in several months. I've got several excuses (summer classes, trip to california, second comprehensive exam studying, second comprehensive exam taking, prepping classes for the fall semester, and the break up), and wouldn't mind telling you about each and every one of them. It isn't like anyone reads this anyways, or that anyone who reads this gives a shit about what I have to say.

SUMMER CLASSES
I taught the introduction to social research course again over the summer. The students were fairly decent, but the course was crammed into a 5-week summer class which sort of sucks because of the limited amount of time, and the fact that we have to see each other every day.

TRIP TO CALIFORNIA
Lindsay (my now, Ex-Girlfriend) and I went to California for a week to visit and so she could see. We drove the whole thing there and back in pretty much a single shot, with about 3 or 4 hours of sleeping in a rest stop on the way there. We went to visit my friend Kevin, his girlfriend, and their baby, Avery in Eureka, CA first. We spent a couple of days there and went to see the beautiful coast and trees. We then went to San Francisco (the best city in the U.S.) and hung out for the afternoon and evening. The next day we drove to San Jose to see the Winchester Mansion and then headed for Southern California. We got to my moms house at like 2:30 in the morning and we just crashed. We went to Hollywood the next day so she could see the touristy stuff there, and then to Venice Beach. We spoke to a fortune teller (card reader, I don't know what you call him) who told us both very interesting things. He was unable to predict the break-up I guess. The last day we were there we went to my favorite beach in Laguna and watched the waves, and some swimming dolphins.

COMPREHENSIVE EXAM
I spent a lot of my summer studying for and then finally taking my second comprehensive exam in August. After having the exam delayed by my adviser who did not want to create the reading list, I compiled a list of other reading lists from scholars in the field, and spent a long time reading the books and articles. I took the exam on the 15th, and have to wait until the committee grades the exam before I know if I have passed or not, but I felt reasonably good after it was over. If I pass it, I will be done with my coursework, and will now have the responsibility of writing my dissertation proposal, and, upon its acceptance, the writing of my dissertation. Unfortunately, because of the grading schedule, I was required to sign up for at least one course this semester which I will drop if I pass the comp, and be forced to take if I do not pass the comp. This exam was in Environmental Sociology.

PREPPING CLASSES FOR THE FALL SEMESTER
I got back to teaching the Nationality and Race course this fall. I have two fairly large sections of the course which should keep me busy. I was glad to have this course again because, even though I've complained about it before, and even though it is a required course for most students, I have decided that this gives me the best chance to positively affect change in the lives of students. The research methods course just simply does not quite do this for me as most students just see the course as an annoying hurdle.

THE BREAKUP
Probably the biggest part of my summer was the breakup between me and my Girlfriend of two-and-a-half years, Lindsay. We had grown apart it seems, and she was simply too unhappy for us to continue. Among the other things in the barrage of reasons why I was unable to make her happy, I was not helpful enough around the house, I did not enjoy the same movies, TV shows, and music that she does, and I made sure she knew it. I also was not really into hanging out with her family and friends, which really bothered her. Theres about a million other reasons that she gave me which I will most likely just avoid discussing here for obvious reasons.

I did not want the relationship to end, even though I had also grown unhappy with the state of things as well. I think that breaking up, or maybe the idea of breaking up made me realize a lot of things about her and our relationship that I had taken for granted and had perhaps ignored in my frustration. I tried to convince her that we could make things work, and she was suspiciously unwilling to even consider it.

Now that it is over, I've had a lot of time to think, and a lot of time to try to vindicate my name in the whole scenario. She was in Omaha this weekend where she got a new apartment to go with her new job. She is happy. She was over the relationship, it seems, as soon as the breakup happened. I know that one of her issues was that she did not want to move away with me when I finished school and found a job, and most of this stems from her wanting to stay close to her family and friends in Omaha. I wish she would have realized this a long time ago, before I had become so attached.

How long is it supposed to take to get over a failed relationship? Surely it depends on the person and the details of said relationship, but I think people in this situation need some idea of a time frame in order to get over things as soon as possible.

I am still completely crushed. Every time a new step in our breakup happens it seems to get worse. When she got the job in Omaha, even though I should be happy for her because its job she has been wanting for a long time and it is a good career move for her, it made me feel worse. Then she went to find an apartment and found one. Now I am awaiting the day that she has to move all of her things out and I am left alone with Amelie (my dog).

My rational side keeps saying that this is for the best, and that I had already invested all of my energy into the relationship to try to make things better. It tells me that I had been so stressed out for the last year (almost) not only because of school, but because I had tried to keep our relationship afloat beyond the point that she was willing to keep it going.

It seems that I wanted us to keep our loving part of the relationship alive and she was more interested in keeping the routine part of our relationship alive. We had slowly become roommates (of which, I was the slob, asshole, and creep who wanted to have sex with her), and this eventually (first for her, then for me) resulted in the end of the romantic part of the relationship.

I think the part that crushes me now is that she is happy. She seems to be over the whole thing. Two-and-a-half years ended and in two-and-a-half weeks she is ready to move on. I can't seem to accept this yet, and seeing her so ready and willing to move on has had a really negative effect on my self-esteem. It brings out all of the worst parts of my personality, the parts I had for years tucked away and been able to avoid. The anger, the fear, the resentment, the suspicion, the bitterness, and even the vindictiveness that was a dominant part of my life in high school and had more or less disappeared until now.

I am angry that she gave up on the relationship and then let the case against me build. It does not feel like I was given a fair chance to address her concerns. It feels like she decided she was sick of me and then she just sat by for months silently letting the case against me grow without my knowledge.

Things were not perfect, I will be the first to admit, but I think I did a much better job of trying to keep things working than she did. Our sex life, for instance, was pretty much a joke. It isn't like there was a turning point really, it was pretty weak from the get go. I addressed this concern to her in the first 6 months of our relationship (before we had even lived together) and I was pretty much met with with promises of "trying to fix it" or "working on it." Although the early spring of this year was the best it had been, it was still very weak by most standards. After the break up, this was made out to be my fault by not helping enough around the house.

I had even considered breaking up with her myself in the last year or so. The lack of sex is really what made things so difficult for me. I did not feel loved. I felt like my partner wanted nothing to do with me. It made me feel awkward and ashamed around her. It had a really negative effect on my self esteem and I constantly thrived on these emotions. I resorted to my old habits, and gained a lot of weight. I have always been heavy, but this made me gain alot over the last two years. I opted not to break up over something like that by telling myself that she still loved me and that once we had both bettered our positions in life (in both of our careers, finances, etc.) we would be able to fix things.

And now that we are done, and she is on the verge of moving out, I await life. I am patiently waiting for the day that I wake up and do not feel that sinking feeling in my chest, and the ever-present urge to cry. I am waiting for the day that I don't spend hours reminiscing the past and trying to pinpoint specific instances that have changed me in one way or another. I am hoping for the ability to get back to my old self, the version of me that didn't take crap from anyone and who would tell you if you were being a dick.

I don't know who will read this, but I'm sure she will because she always manages to read these kinds of things randomly. I hope she isn't offended if that's the case, I just wanted to get some things off my chest.

In the meantime, I am looking for a roommate, and for some support from my friends.