New Beginnings

She's gone. It doesn't matter anymore what I think about the breakup, and it doesn't matter what you think either. Now it's time for me to try to get my life together and to move on. I literally spent most of my day on Saturday picking up the pieces of my former life. It is now just me and Amelie. Honestly, she is helping me keep my shit together. I've never had a dog before Lindsay and I adopted Amelie, and so she is so special to me. She is so happy, so curious, so interested in everything, and even when she is annoying, she makes me laugh.

She is always there when I wake up, and she is usually the last thing I see at night. I love seeing her excited when I come home, and I hate the feeling I get when she has been at home by herself for too long. My biggest fear now is that she is going to eventually realize that her mom and the cats are not coming back. I wish I could do something to take away that feeling from her, but I know I can't.

Being alone in this place has given me a lot of time to think. I got to think about all the good times I've had here, and all of the bad. I can laugh because of how much the place looks just like it did when I had moved in my things, before Lindsay had moved in hers. The smell of the cats is gone. It makes me miss them.

When Lindsay got all of her stuff out I had a pretty good cry for a while. I thought about how for a long time I did not feel like it mattered if I was here or not. Like if I was gone no one would care, and if I was here, no one would notice me. I felt like I needed to stay out of the way. I know that is not Lindsay's fault, but I just felt that way.

I've been trying to fill my free time up with other things in order to keep my mind busy. I spent a lot of time with friends this weekend. Unfortunately I got into a fight with one of my good friends and we haven't spoken about it yet. I'm not sure if we will, but I hope that we do. I need to make sure I don't let me feelings about the break-up take over my relationships with other people as well.

But what's next?

I'm not sure. I am pretty lonely. Amelie is a great pal, but she is more into watching people walk past the house through the window than talking about my feelings or my life. In fact, most of my friends are not into that either. I'm going to try to get all of my responsibilities taken care of ASAP and then hopefully it will be a couple of months down the road and I will feel better.